Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
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And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
#Caturday
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?