Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
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How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
*watches the world burn*
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season