“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
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[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
I hope it’s French Onion!
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.