Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
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My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
relationship goals
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
This is the best one I’ve seen
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
True
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount