Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
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My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.