“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
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will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.