Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
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12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.