Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
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Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world