Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
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[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.