[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
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Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
The Others (2001)
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity