*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
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Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Pizza is an emotion right?
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”