I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
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My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
I need to get some bricks…
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.