I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
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I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”