clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
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When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.