everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
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I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
How your email finds me
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
set yourself free xox