can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
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Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
☠️☠️☠️
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
Never mess with a drunken pig.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay