I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
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As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
This story is comedy gold 😂
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]