[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
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Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.