Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
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I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Tremendous stuff
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!