You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
You Might Also Like
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
monday
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.