Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
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WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*