Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
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Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
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Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Yes, but it was never about money
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*