One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
You Might Also Like
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
Bless you
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.