[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
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“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.