cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
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Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.