[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
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If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…