While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
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No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.