[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
You Might Also Like
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Who says great literature is dead?
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
So inspired right now.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
Tell me you get it…🤣
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
when u come home smelling like another dog
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.