‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
You Might Also Like
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.