i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
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Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*