My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
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Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
We’ve all been there
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.