[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
You Might Also Like
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”