🤣✨#caturday
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Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I