If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
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Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
We’ve all been there…
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine