Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
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Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
“No way.” -Jose
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.