*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
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My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.