A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
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If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.