DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
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9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.