spot the difference
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The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Was it something I said?
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie