Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
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“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
HERE’S MARKY
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
quarantine day 3
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free