I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
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#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.