I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
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When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Breaking news:
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
mom gave me mine for free
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Breaking news:
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.