The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
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Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.