Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
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i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
Said the murderer.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
what are they serving at kfc then???
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.