MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
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Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Who does Amazon think I am?
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
this was the best i’ve ever seen