[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
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“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
become ungovernable
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
R.I.P.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.