That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
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I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
No. YOU-buprofen.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
That earthquake could have been an email.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat