Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
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I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
[eulogy]
line?
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia