Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
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The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Salad is the decaf of food.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke