Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
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People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]